I've been told multiple times that God truly wants to give us the desires of our hearts. When I lost my job in 2013, I was angry. It was a season in my life where I was completely focused on God's will, and sharing that will with others. When I lost my job, I went to some dark places in my life. I mean I was really mad at God and felt betrayed by this world! I'm certain I mentioned before that God and I were going to have a throw down. How could I endure such trials after following His will? What was the deal?
While I was unemployed I realized I loved being able to take care of my family. I never had the opportunity to be a full time wife/mother, but I was loving being able to drive Ryan to school everyday, tending to our household chores, and then spending quality time together when Mark came home from work. ...but I knew I had to go back to work as our finances were becoming more and more of an issue and concern.
That was a really hard and dark season of my life. I was trying to figure out who I was after losing my job, watching our financial situation wear on Mark, and trying to find God's purpose in all of this. I needed guidance, so I reached to two women, sisters in Christ, who I believed would help guide me in the right direction. We talked about God, his purpose in our lives, and his desire to truly give us the desires of our heart. It was during this time that I learned to pray specifically, and my prayers were simple. I prayed to find a job that I could continue to be available to care for my family and provide for them financially. I specifically prayed to be able to take Ryan to school.
A prayer was answered when a friend told me of an entry level sales position where her husband worked. I applied, interviewed, and within a week was working full time. When she told me about the job, there was a strong and confident whisper that told me this is where I was to go. So, I obeyed. The job was completely outside my wheelhouse, but the people were like family. The company was owned and operated by two Christians, and I immediately found myself in conversations about God's will and purpose in this chaotic experiment called life. The Office Manager became, and is still to this day, a sister in Christ and a cherished friend. I found that I was surrounded by believers and I felt encouraged...but I was losing more and more time with my family. I couldn't take Ryan to school and was stuck in rush hour traffic everyday that often led me to tears of frustration. I remember screaming to my mom about my unending frustration and confusion. I kept asking Where's God? Why didn't he listen?
That company was incredibly wonderful to me and served as an emergency room for my soul. The took me in, bandaged me up, strengthened my soul, and off I went. (Huge Note To Consider: After losing my job in 2013 as a Clinical Supervisor at an alternative school I swore I was retiring from the field. I vowed publicly never to return unless God himself called me out of retirement. Well...guess...what...happened...next...) I was offered a job as a School Counselor at an alternative school. I drove an hour and a half each way to school everyday; often leaving before Mark and Ryan were up. I didn't mind the drive as I filled the drive time with podcast sermons and Christian music. It was a rock concert for one every day. I uncovered I was still a good counselor and therapist. I was building relationships with the kids, but feeling like the relationship with my own family was still being neglected. Our financial struggles were continuing and we cut out every last extra we could spare. The stress was beginning to affect so many things.
One day, I was confiding in my aunt how difficult things were for us. Her company was expanding their Philadelphia Region and she was wondering if I would consider working for them. It was a rapid hiring process and before I knew it I was in a completely different arena.
As I left the alternative school, my students facilitated a farewell group where they offered thank you's and appreciations. The time came for me to wrap it up with a closing statement. I began to cry. In that moment, I realized my students (who were thanking me) were actually the ones who healed me. They trusted me and respected me and valued the work I did as a therapist. They healed the brokenness from being fired in 2013, I no longer felt I needed to prove anything. For as it is said in 1 John 4:4 "Greater is He who is in me, than he who is in the world." I packed up my office and walked out with my heart happy and my soul healed. God put those kids in my life intentionally!
Fast forward a few months. I am now working for a company that offers me the balance of work and home. It challenges me but balances me! I work out of our home, drive Ryan to school everyday, and can manipulate my schedule to be present for Ryan's school or sport events. Our financial situation continues to improve, and we are able to do fun, memorable, activities as a family again.
I was overwhelmed with this feeling today that God has blessed me with the desires of my heart. As I accidentally ended up in Central Park, (my most favorite place, and a total blessing in disguise as I got myself lost on the metro system) I realized God filled a longing I only ever thought about and never shared with anyone. I love being in the city; I enjoy the hustle and bustle-the individuality and diversity of walking through the streets. I always wondered what it would be like to walk the city, to work in the city, to fully experience it. Today (and for the next two weeks) I did! I'd ask how did He know, but the truth is He always knows the desires of our heart.
Matthew 7:7 tells us, "Ask and you shall received. Seek and you will find. Knock and the door will be opened to you." As I'm learning to pray specifically and pray persistently, I feel completely overwhelmed with God's blessings. I know he wants to give us the desires of our hearts, yet I feel completely unworthy. I fail all the time. I get distracted. I doubt..., but He is always there telling us "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving present your requests to God" Philippians 4:6. Even today, as I prayed over my anxiety of walking through Brooklyn trying to navigate the streets and Metro system, God sent me an earthly angel. The kindest elder woman approached me as if she heard my thoughts and said, "Were you trying to get?" With her cane in hand and altered gate, she walked me back out of the subway entrance to the bus stop I needed to send me on my way. It felt like God saying, "Not that way, my child. Go this way." My simple reply to her kindness, "Thank you, and my God bless you for your kindness.
God is every present; albeit silent at times, but always present. It's like he is saying, be patient, I'm working on it. Isn't hindsight always 20-20?!? Patience is clearly a virtue I lack. I reflect on the last year an a half, and I'm overwhelmed with God's presence...even when I thought he was silent. My heart is overflowing. I am good. I am in a really good season of life, and I will continue to offer praise, glory and honor to God. May he continue to use me for his will and purpose, and may I continue to stay focused on him and not get distracted by the temptations of this world.
So I encourage you...don't give up! God is with you and He is for you. Pray specifically! Pray over every worry, fear, or regret. When God is silent, don't let the feelings of doubt creep in, but be patient in the Lord for He is always with you! I pray that you are blessed with the desires of your heart and a life that is glorifying to God.
Stay encouraged and be blessed,
Angie
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