You Forgot Your Shoes: World Adoption Day

I just learned today is World Adoption Day.  I shouldn't be surprised.  Today I sat at the table with a divine friend.  We went deep.  Conversations that covered current political climates, life and love of family, the absences of parents, and adoption.  It was raw, and pure, and beautiful in its brokenness.  There was peace embedded in the love of feeling safe with someone who holds the line with you...and there was Jesus at the heart of it all. 


Two weeks ago someone told me that I wasn't 'really' adopted.  My adoption is different, I know that.  I was not orphaned, but I was abandoned.  My father left me.  Gave me away.  Signed away his rights.  There is no way to explain how it felt to read the letter that validated his request to no longer be my father.  That's a void I've carried my entire life.  


I'm told that I am lucky I have a dad who "chose" me.  A man who willingly stepped in to be my dad.  May I ask, how can anyone fill those shoes?  Doesn't every little girl long for the love of their father?  Maybe we got it all wrong.  Instead of asking my dad to fill my father's shoes, we should have thrown the fucking shoes away and tried a different pair?  I never gave my dad a chance.  I was too busy chasing after the man who forgot his shoes. 


It's ironic, you know, my father died 15 years ago.  I have one single shoe of his from the time of his death.  His 4th fiancé kept the matching pair.  I vaguely remember her, she played a small cameo in his life.  My relationship with my father was reduced to a small wooden box of items from his death and old photo albums of a man and a toddler...two people I never really knew.  


I'm told my father loved me.  That he loved me more than he could ever show me.  I don't buy that.  That's an excuse, a feel good, a remedy for the void.  It's bullshit.  Love doesn't create fear.  Love doesn't foster doubt.  Love is not a synonym for pain.  I do think he wanted to love me.  I do believe he even tried, at times.  His battle with darkness held him hostage, and all his energy went to simply trying to survive. 


Maybe he did me a favor by giving me away, providing me a better opportunity, but the pain remained.   Last year I asked my dad to meet me for dinner.  Sitting across from this man who provided me a childhood, I asked for his forgiveness as I never gave him a chance to really be my dad.  As my father spent all his energy chasing vehicles of addiction, I chased after him leaving my dad behind. 


Today is a beautiful day.  I was adopted when I was 9 years old.  Almost 30 years later I continue to heal.  I know the love of God the Father, Jesus, and I am loved by my dad. I also know the peace of forgiveness.  I'm healed by faith through grace.  I'll share more on that another day.  Today, I offer a voice to a child who was, in her own way, adopted.   

I Get It: It's Time to Write

I am such a morning person!  My alarm goes off, it takes me all of 30 seconds to win the battle of getting up or staying in bed, and I'm quickly ready to jump into my day.  I love the mornings.  The quiet time before anyone wakes up.  There is so much I do during this time that sets the foundation for my day.  Whether I'm headed to yoga, run, or bike, I spend the first hour of my day fully committed to investing into this body God gave me.  Once I'm home and showered, it's time to prep for the day:  tidy up the house from the night before, make lunches, tend to the 'mommy' tasks.  


My favorite part of the day is right after I drop Ryan off at school and right before I start work.  This is my morning visit with God.  I study His Word, script written prayers over friends, family, work, and bigger world issues, and I write.  The last few weeks, God has really put on my heart (through the use of three very important people in my life) that it's time to start writing again. 
My dear soulfriend, Jane, gave me a simple spiral-bound notebook and a sharpie pen indicating, IT'S TIME.  I get it, God!  I got the hint! 


Each morning, I commit to filling one single page of paper in the spiral-bound notebook.  Some days it fills us so quickly, I'm afraid I'll run out of space.  Other days, it's not! 


One of my bucket list items (you know, things you want to do to live life abundantly....oh wait, you thought it was things to do before you die?  Perspective shift, my friends!) was to publish my memoir.  I used to joke that Jerry Springer would pay millions for the story of my childhood until I realized that's not actually funny.  It's...well it's...sad. Sometimes I think sharing my journey with others is just crazy.  I mean really, how much can one person actually go through in one lifetime.  You can't make this up. 


...but as I write, I find it is not actually my story.  They are my experiences but it is God's story.  People beg and pray for miracles everyday, and they feel discouraged when they don't witness the blind man see or the deaf man hear.  Yet, miracles are happening around us all day everyday.  They are woven in the stories of each person navigating their way through life.  It's the conquest over doubt, enlightenment of the heart, and healing of the soul.  Don't let doubt blind you from seeing the beauty of these miraculous stories.  I promise you, miracles aren't just found in the New Testament.  They are all around you, you just need to look and listen! 


As I continue to write and explore the possibility of actually sharing my story, I'm in awe of just how right my mom was when she called me her Romans 8:28 Baby: We know that God works all things together for good for the ones who love God, for those who are called according to his purpose.  So friends, can I ask you to come alongside me through this journey?  To pray for my courage and for my experiences to share the story of of God's miraculous love for us.  Will you pray for my doubt and fear to be overcome with faith and love? 


And so it begins....It's time to write! 


Stay Encouraged,
Angie

Shifting Still

It's been awhile.  So long, in fact, I'm not even sure where to begin.  This is actually the fifth attempt at the beginning.  You see, I'm not sure when this all really began.  I can't say anything has really changed, but everything has really shifted, and I keep looking to God in wonder.  "Ok!  So, what's this all about?"  I don't have an answer to that yet, but there is a surrounding peace in the stillness of it all.  

Stillness is quite a word actually, especially in today's world.  I mean think about it.  In a matter of five minutes how many times are you distracted-most likely by an electronic device of sorts?  So, when you find yourself gravitating towards (or craving in most circumstances) stillness you discover it's a little more uncomfortable than you anticipated.  

I'm learning there is a huge difference between resting and stillness.  Who doesn't absolutely love a lazy Saturday in your comfy clothes with no where to go and only the endless episodes stored on your DVR?  Being curled up on the couch with a much needed glass of wine sounds so inviting...that's resting!  

Stillness is different.  I'm not sure I've found it in it's purest form yet, but I'm learning it is being truly quiet within yourself; Listening...Deeply listening.  A few years ago (2011, I think) I heard  "Quiet Your Mind" by Zac Brown Band.  This one lyric literally cracked open my heart and shifted my soul like an earthquake.  Ready?  I'll share it, but you might want to sit down for this one...

"If you're too busy talking, you're not busy listening, to hear what the land has to say.  Quiet your mind."  

I have a confession...for years I thought it said, 'to hear what the LAMB has to say;' LAMB meaning the Lamb of God-Jesus!  When I discovered the actual lyric I couldn't help but laugh at how the words shifted in their translation to my aching soul!

Over the course of those following years, my life changed at it's foundation.  My work/life balance scale pointed more towards family and away from it's previous dominance favoring work, I returned to the Catholic church and began attending Mass weekly, discovered running, and I fell deeper in love with my husband and our family.  However, the most important shift was my true understanding of God's grace and that despite a lifelong struggle with feelings of abandonment His grace, His love, included me.

So, now here I am, a few years later, and my world is fundamentally shifting once again.  It's not changing...just...shifting still.  For example, I drastically decreased, if not almost completely stopped, running; earned a promotion at work; began actively practicing yoga; experienced shifts in a few sacred relationships; enrolled in a Boot Camp class, and left the Catholic Church (Note:  Leaving the Catholic Church did not separate my relationship with God, but it quite honestly deepened my walk with Jesus).  What I'm noticing is all these shifts have brought me this overwhelming sense of stillness.  

God tells us in 1 Samuel 12:16, "Now then, be still and see this great thing the LORD is about to do before your eyes," and He reminds us in Psalm 46:10, "Be still, and know that I am God!"  Despite all the shifting, there is a reassurance in the stillness.  There is a peace in the quietness of being still.  It's a new place for me. 

So as I return to writing, I hope you find encouragement.  May you become your own Encouraged Believer, and may you find peace in being still.

Stay Encouraged and God Bless, 

Angie

PS-As I begin to write again, I will share with you the details of all these shifts:  my decision to leave the Catholic Church, why I stopped writing (especially the Encouraged Runner), and how joy is so much better than happiness!!